Story Behind The Work
To my old clients
A final farewell.. maybe I’m seeking closure tonight.
To most of the clients, the one time dates and the repeat customers who bought me without ever acknowledging who I might really be- or how what I was doing was affecting me, I can say that I truly resent you. I resent myself more, but you played your role too. Maybe you were fooled by the smiles. Maybe you were just too caught up in your need to realize the effect you would have. But you did have an effect on me. I cant remember your faces, or our encounters- but I remember the feelings I had, and they suck.
To the ones who cared, I am torn between hating you for still buying my body, and being thankful to you for being nice to me. For seeing me regularly so I did not have to meet with so many strangers. For asking me how I was doing, why was I in this business, and when would I stop. You still bought me, and used me for your gratification, but you offered a smidge of kindness at a time when I craved any bit i could get, and so I guess I do have to be thankful for that. Thank you to the ones who tried to convince me to stop, to leave my boyfriend who was pushing me to escort, or to at least plan financially so I could stop soon.
I didn’t have any family by that point. I didnt have any friends, so I am ashamed to say that sometimes I looked forward to our visits. Not because I wanted to touch you. I didn’t. But I needed human interaction, attention, conversation. I needed to get away from the boyfriend you all glared at sitting in your driveway. You were right. No one who really cared about me wouldve let me do that, they wouldnt have been able to sit outside knowing. I didnt believe you at the time. I thought you were just trying to date me. But you were all older than me, and in better places, and im sure you could see it better than I could.
I wasn’t really there during our meetings- and I know I faked it really well. But I couldn’t tell you apart. I just wanted you to feel comfortable with me, and for you to think I was happy. I dont know why I owed you that protection from my real feelings. Maybe i didnt want the pity. I was still trying to convince myslelf i was okay, and to be honest i was so wrapped up in my own world that I would never have really let any of you in.
And so thats it. To those of you who thought they knew a piece of the real me- you didnt. I lied. I lied about family, kids, ages, jobs. I told you what you needed to hear. To those who traveled from far away multiple times a month, I didnt think about you until i knocked at your door. It is just now that I am realizing you may have planned and looked forward to our visits. Sorry.
I was scared and lonely, and very very hurt. Thats who I was. I wanted to go home and curl up and watch tv. I wanted to get married and have babies with someone who loved me. I wanted, desperately, to be loved. I hated escorting, and if you had offered me a regular job for you instead of sex, you would have seen a real smile from me.
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